After losing my mother, I feel depressed. How can I get my happiness back?
I lost my mother in 2015 in a sudden heart attack and she collapsed in front of my eyes. Within a span of 30 minutes my life was turned upside down. I did not cry and entered into silence for some time as I lost all my feelings together. More than sadness it was anger and tremendous agony that was dominating my feelings and I thought why should I live any more? I have seen enough of this dirty, deceptive, unpredictable world and decided to jump into water and was basically searching for potassium cyanide on the net. When I looked up even the blue sky seemed dark to me and every night I thought that she would come to meet me at least once but it didn't happen. i questioned and abused myself thinking that its because of my fault that I am suffering and almost felt sick every now and then.The anxiety, insecurity of loss, fear of the unknown almost took control over me and everyday i thought what if something worse happens? Even mere phone calls use to scare the shit out of me. psychologically I was nothing less than a polyphobic.
Within around a month I joined a company where I made some friends and felt little better but still could not focus on my work. Some of the things which I have done to get over the darkest phase of my life includes listening to religious music, stand-up comedy and chat with friends for a long time. Out of these comedy shows brought back the smile on my face and I became an addict to it. It differs from person to person. Actually getting over this phase is possible only when your mind accepts the harsh truth that the rest of your life has to be managed by yourself. i was brought up in a joint family and had uncle, grandma and father to talk to but even after 2 years I have realised that some things can never be replaced. To be very straight forward lot of people say that with time the grief goes away but nothing really goes away. It will stay with you. Its just that the intense pain that you experience for the initial days reduces to a certain extent. The best thing which i felt is that you should always try to stay with at least a few close friends away from your house as because home is where the memories will haunt you like hell.
After around a month I sometimes with friends and sometimes alone would sit beside a river and it is very relieving. Library was my favourite place and I spent most of the days (spending more than 8–9 hours) reading books and believe me it works. Move out and feel free to join forums and clubs for discussion and take part in activities that you like. For me it was books, comedy and music. You find out what is good for you as it might be different. Now I am more or less leading life in a stable way but sometimes I breakdown thinking about the old times. It cannot be changed completely you know but getting accustomed to the reality will give you peace (email@example.com).