Am I selfish for not wanting marriage?
I gave up on the only girl I had ever loved!
While I was in college, I felt great in the company of a beautiful young girl. She studied engineering while I studied medicine. We had common friends. She was bold, very lovable, respectful, and whatever she spoke made sense to me. She accepted her faults (if she made any) and wasn't hesitant to say sorry. What I loved most about her and I still do, is her way of going things outside the box to help people.
We were friendly, we still are. Both were attracted to each other and connected in our heads well. I'm not a very outspoken person. So, most of times, for me, it looked like she was already reading my mind. I completed my medical school and she joined a company to work with. All she wanted was a little time with me in a day. I was interning at hospital and working for 18 hours a day and never really had any time to talk to people and socialize. Let alone giving her some time!
I had to also make time to study and work hard to score really well in exams to specialize further. It was a rough time for both of us. I never gave her time. I was so dumb to expect so much out of her in return to the very little I had to offer. She was so brilliant, that she use to read up medical articles and journals and write the thesis for me. Out of three thesis (she did 1 and I did 2), her thesis was the one that was approved for publishing. She spent so much time with me on call, while at work, in any way that was ever possible. I was dumber not to realize and acknowledge it. She was hardly demanding, we never got physical (she wasn't that type at all), we never went out to spend time; all we did was study and perform. I never took up to make her feel nice in any way.
After 4 whole years of seriously defending and being there for each other, I told her "not to bother me anymore." She went one step ahead and said, "Will never again!"
Just in my defense, I had a whole 8 years of study and I knew I couldn't be there for her when she would need me. I also thought, she should date someone better for whatever she was. She had many people in her friends list who had high profiles. But she would wait for me, She clearly wanted me. I doubted her all the time, and I thought she already might be dating someone, or would be in a relationship with someone. She just wants me to be her doctor (Although she never asked any help). I did not even explain to her whats wrong, and why am I telling her such stupid things. She never asked for any explanation and played along as usual.
Today, 4/8 years later (I went overseas to study), I wanted to talk to someone coz I felt extremely lonely. I was in a couple of actual relationships all this time. But its funny how I felt hollow without her. The only person I remembered was her, her voice, her soothing approach, her ability to solve my problems. I thought it wasn't fair to call her. But I wanted to find out how she was doing. I asked my sister, who is a little close to her. Sis told me, she is pursuing her PhD and isn't dating anyone till date. I texted her to want her back. But she never replied. I don't think she ever will.
I was so stupid to let her go the first time. I never realized how much worth she was. For all I know, the man who will have her will be one lucky chap! I want her now, but I find it so guilty to even expect a text back from her. She wasn't of the sought who would open up, and she did open up for me. She would have done medicine and have become a great doctor for all I know; the only reason she put up with me was not because of the money I earned, but because I get to solve people's problems. I was a big idiot and she was right for letting me go.
I'm almost 30 years now, I don't want to marry anyone else other than her. I don't think anyone can take her place in my heart. I will try as much as I can till the last to gain a chance again with her, and if she doesn't agree to be with me, I will give up on marrying someone else. I am better of being a bachelor all my life than marrying someone I can't connect with.
All I can say is she was the one. If you find someone like that, do give them some time. That kind of breed is hard to come by, and if you are lucky to spot them, then don't waste time by over thinking too much. Go right ahead and do everything to get them in your life!