Do people who leave their long term relationships regret it?
I left a perfect man who loved me and supported me in everything I did for another man.
First few months of our relationship, I was dizzy with love. It started so exciting and romantic, everything was great. We had absolutely no problem at all. He was caring, funny, intelligent... Great cook... Similar taste of movies, music etc with me... Lovely sex... All was good. Soon after we started dating, I moved in with him. We got a cat. He had a good job as a computer guy but wasn't that happy. He wanted to try freelancing but needed support for a while. I was financially in a good shape so I said, go for it. He began to work from home and soon he was making better money than he did at his job. I was working at home too, so lots of time together.
It was dreamy, until it stopped being dreamy because I lost my lust for sex.
First I caught a cold and got sick. I didn't want to be touched. Then I got well but I still didn't want to be touched sexually.
Friendly hugs and kisses were alright, but I just didn't enjoy sexy approaches any more. He was wondering what was wrong. I was saying, this must be a phase. I was happy with our life other than the sex part. I loved our house, our film collection, cats. I loved the way he was on my side in all fields of my life. I loved supporting him too. I simply couldn't think of my life without him.
I was ok without sex but he wasn't of course. I had quick sex with him without enjoying (and not being fully honest about how I didn't enjoy) but it was obvious that I had a problem. He talked to me, offered solutions, I cried about once a month, but didn't do anything. I actually didn't want to fix the situation, I just wanted him to stay away sexually (hugging was still good).
Once in a while he talked about marriage and and having kids etc, but I turned cold inside when he talked about that. I was openly telling him I was against marriage and having kids. He was certain that my mind would change as we grew older.
Sometimes I met other men I found sexy but I looked away. I didn't want to be more dishonest then I already was. I was telling myself I didn't want to change anything in my life because I was happy that way.
This thing lasted for six years. My boyfriend stopped asking me, he seemed fine as well. We had lots of things going on, parties, lots of friends, projects, two cats...
Then I met this one guy who was too attractive for me to ignore.
I kind of felt safe to talk to this guy because honestly I didn't think he would be interested in me. He was too handsome, too interesting, seemed way out of my league. We became friendly the moment we were introduced and I wasn't even trying to hide anything, in the middle of all my friends who knew my boyfriend -we had about 150 common friends on facebook-.
And then one of our cats died. It was one of the saddest moments of my life. My boyfriend and I both cried for days. But I wasn't just crying for the cat, I was crying for everything, with all the confusion and guilt.
It turned out that this new guy indeed was interested in me. So we slowly started an affair. I couldn't believe it. He knew I had a boyfriend but didn't judge me. He wasn't planning to commit to me. He wasn't even committed to stay in the country. No matter what, for the first time in six years I felt I could give up my cute lovely life with my boyfriend (and now one cat). I knew I should have left much earlier, I was feeling guilty as hell. But I knew it couldn't be postponed.
About one month into the affair I told couple of close friends about the situation.
They said I was making a huge mistake. The right thing would be to stay with my existing relationship and try to repair it rather than jumping into such a big risk. They said I needed therapy because the same pattern would repeat in my new relationships in the future if I don't address my issues (these two friends had studied psychology) but it just felt overwhelming to think about what they were saying. Although I loved my boyfriend dearly, it felt impossible to want to touch him, and it was this way for many years. I know I should have sought advice years ago, but I just hadn't, and now it was too late. And I wasn't even sad for that, although I felt horrible for having to break his heart. I knew what I needed to do, leave my ‘perfect' life, start a new one, no matter what would happen with the new guy, whether he would stay in the country or not.
I was thinking of breaking up with my boyfriend on the basis of not feeling sexy with him. I wasn't really planning to be honest about the existence of the new guy, because the real reason I was breaking up was not the new guy (I was telling myself). But then the new guy suggested me to tell him the whole truth because this would give my boyfriend more control over his own situation. I thought, it was fair enough. And if I didn't tell him about my betrayal, he might have wasted time and energy trying to save our relationship, which I didn't want.
So one night I told my boyfriend that there was another man and that I hadn't have lost my lust for sex after all. We cried and broke up like that. I saw him only once after that (by accident- that was the only unpleasant moment in the whole thing). I moved out when he was away, talked on the phone a few times, stayed in a friendly mood until he found another woman and stopped talking to me.
The new guy? We moved in together but he still didn't commit, he wasn't sure what he wanted to do. We struggled financially a bit. He stayed, stayed longer and longer (still didn't talk about committing) then on our fourth year we had a baby boy. Then we moved to a different country together. Still not doing great financially but living together and have a good sex life. Our son turned five and just started school. We still don't talk about committing.
Did I regret? Not even one moment.