Do you still miss your ex even after getting married?

I don't know whether I miss him or whether he is forever carved in my memory that makes association to daily things.

My story is nothing extraordinary, but I think about him almost everyday because I lived for him for 7 years. I knew his every move, what his actions meant, what every facial expression meant. He was the first person to touch me, to make me feel things I had never felt with my body. He was the person I loved more than anything. So what do I do with all these memories? We have played out most of the scenarios of life together - Eating, sleeping, talking about everything, crying, laughing, working, studying, talking about our future, our kids, our retirement our pet dogs, fishes and bunnies. So everyday when I randomly think about anything, 70% of the time, we had shared that thought together once. But do I miss him? I don't know.

Me and my ex were together for 7 years. I would not necessarily it was 7 amazing years but I was one of those people who thought we had to give our everything . We met when we were in 11th, funny that he was the only guy I noticed in my class. Both of us are average looking and my friends always told me that I was way out of his league but looks didn't matter to me as I was really insecure about myself.

Well we started dating and he always had a mean streak, if you ask me why I continued going out with him, honestly I have no answer. I always believed that once you take decision to be with someone, you have to give it your all no matter the consequence and that is exactly what I did. My world revolved around him, I did everything for him. He was a good person for the most time, I mean he is but being mean was his way of being funny and I encouraged it.

Fast forward three years, we were in college now, he joined engineering and I was doing my BSc. He hated his college and the more he was unhappy the more rules there were, "Don't call me right after I have food", "Don't call me the day before exams" then one day out of nowhere he tells me that he wants to break up because he can't handle the commitment, I was broken, I did not know how to function. I pleaded for him to take me back and lowered to the lowest point begging him but he was stubborn and I couldn't do anything. It hurt a lot. But in 3 months he texted me and we talked and talked and he told me how timelines freaked him out so I wasn't allowed to be known as his GF because apparently giving it that name freaked him out. so we continued that friends with benefits thing for some time. 4 months it took for me to feel like a person who had lost all respect for myself. I felt used. I broke up with him. Guess it hurt his ego, so he asked (JUST ASKED) whether we can be together and of course I said yes. 4th and 5th year went by normally, 5th year I had to move to another city for my masters after working for a year and he moved to another state. He had finished his engineering and had back logs which ate him up a lot as well. He went crazier. he was never there for me and wouldn't let me be there for him and again towards the end of 6th year we broke up again reason being return of his sudden commitment phobia.

By this time, I had gotten used to his passive aggressive behavior but it still hurt. I never tried dating anyone else maybe because we were so on again and off again that I thought we would be on again, again.

We both moved to the same place after I finished my masters and he started his masters out of coincidence within a few months. All it took was one meeting for us to be back again but this time it was different, his phobias had gotten worse, his mean streak was level maximum and well the obvious "this is a relationship that cannot be labelled as one, because thought of it sent him to a psychotic spiral". But I always thought, this is a phase, it will pass but it didn't.

I reached my saturation point when once I had an accident on the way to meet him and when I got to that place, he wasn't there he made me wait for 2 hrs and when he finally showed up, I questioned him and he flipped out said some mean things so I tried to justify my anger saying that I had an accident, I was freaked out and apologized for lashing out.

That day I went back home and took a hard look at myself. All I realized was that he didn't love me anymore and so for the last time, I ended it.

Its been almost 1 yr and 4 months since I got married and three years since I broke up with him. My husband, he is such a sweetheart, he lets me be me and not a day goes by that I am not grateful that I got a life partner like him but memories of my past haunts me still with the inevitable, involuntary and unavoidable mental comparison between him and my husband and hopefully one day it will go away.


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