Have you ever been in love with someone and never found someone better?
Plenty of answers here come from happily married people. I won't say they're gloating, but I'll offer my own story by way of defending the view that we don't always marry the best person we find.
When I was in college, I met someone who was, still to my mind today, the most perfect woman I could ever imagine. She was beautiful beyond belief - to me, at least, although she barely cleared 5′ tall - but more than anything, it was her amazing erudition that captivated me. She had been a physics major, but made it all the way to statistical mechanics and then decided she'd rather be a linguist instead - inspiring me to follow the same path out of engineering, where I was surviving but unhappy. When we got to discussing poetry, I told her my favorite was Coleridge - and she immediately recited "Kubla Khan" from memory. There was nothing we couldn't discuss, we made time for each other every day, and almost everyone around us thought we were an absolutely perfect couple.
The only problem is, it turned out there was one thing we couldn't discuss. Even now, 20 years later, I still have no idea why, but it seems she was nauseated by the idea of actually being in a romantic relationship with me. I asked some mutual acquaintances for advice before saying anything, and some were surprised to realize we weren't dating, while others warned me this might be the case. When I finally broached the subject at Valentine's Day, 6 months after we met, she fled immediately and barely spoke to me again.
Two years later, I met the woman who would later become my wife, and eventually my ex. There were a lot of superficial similarities in personality and learning, and that was enough to draw me in. I was totally committed to making the relationship work, and never made any comparisons, but she heard from mutual friends how I had felt about the earlier one. So even after we were married, I would sometimes get jealous questions checking on whether she measured up.
The truth was, I'd figured out a long time earlier that where the first one always knew what she was talking about, my wife just couldn't stand to have anyone think she didn't know, and she'd bluff her way through any conversation that wasn't about medicine (she is a doctor). But she seemed to have many other admirable personal qualities, and I thought we were happily married, for 8 years, right up until 3 months before she left. Reading people's emotional states is not one of my strengths, if that wasn't already obvious.
It's easy enough to look at these cases and think I only judge the first one better because she didn't put me through a contentious divorce. But the truth is, I felt far worse when I lost her than when my wife left. I spent several days reduced to weeping in an unused dorm room at college after that Valentine's Day. The second time, I only cared about not losing my daughter. There were barely any tears at all. Both of them broke my heart, but one of them spent less than a year in my life and turned me into a very different person who was unafraid to give up on one dream to pursue a whole new one. If not for a custody agreement, I'd have left everything about the other behind years ago. So yes, I've definitely loved someone, lost them, and never found better.
Going Anon as she might read this.
I met the only person I could ever love when I was 18. I met her online and initially it started off as just talking. She was 13 at the time and I know it sounds strange but it just happened.
We didn't meet each other till about 3 years later. By that time both of us were in love, and knew that this was something special. However, shallow being that we are, it is hard to be in love without having met the person. We had seen each other, exchanged photos etc, but we hadn't met.
When we met, we clicked really well and that is when I knew I would love this person for the rest of my life. Unfortunately we were always in a long distance relationship. We grew up together, and both of us knew that we were soulmates.
I moved overseas for studies and then settled there. She went to college and things were looking great. We were as much in love as we were at the start of our relationship.
When I turned 30, I asked her to marry me(well, not really asked as it was kinda given). We both involved our families who had no idea of the relationship till then. Unfortunately, her parents opposed the match and after a lot of back and forth between us, she decided that she could not really marry without her parents being OK with it.
I got frustrated. We had fights. The love was still there but for me I would fight the world for her and for her, even knowing that she would be unhappy, she chose to be unhappy so that her family could be happy.
Eventually we broke up, and cut off all communication. I got married in a hurry to someone else. about a year after I got married, she also married someone else. I stalked her on social media but never got in touch.
Fast forward 5 years and my marriage is falling apart, and I have decided to separate etc. Out of the blue, I get a message from her. Just an innocent hi on my B'day, and we start talking. In the 5 years a lot of things have changed, but I still love her. We start talking and I find out the she still loves me too.
Her marriage is going all-right, there are issue but nothing as bad as mine. She is not happy but is not too sad as well. And having made a commitment to someone else, she is clear that she is not going to leave him. But the love we had is still there. That did not die, and we both had kept the old flame burning bright.
Withing a week of talking again, it became very clear that we both still love each other a lot. However, she is still the same person but more withdrawn. But she will still put other peoples happiness above her(and mine) and there seems to be no future for us.
This was 5 months ago. We are separated by 16000Kms. We talk everyday, see each other, we share and connect. I still want us to be together but I don't see any hope of being together. She is as happy as she can be. For her, we don't need to be physically together as long as we are together in soul and I accept that. It is hard to accept the fact that we will never have a life together but at-least I am better off than I was in the last 5 years.
Maybe over time things will change and we will be together. Maybe she will finally be able to do something that makes her happy and stop thinking of everyone else. I am going through a divorce at this time and when it is over, I intend to relocate to her city and have more contact with her.
But I know I will never meet anyone who I could love any more than I love her. I know I might never end up being happy(for me the happiness can only mean one thing, and that one thing is the only thing she will not do). Such is life.
Tony: Let me make it very clear that this is not unrequited love. I talk to her everyday for hours. Any opportunity we can find, we are either texting or on a phone or video call. We are both very very open about how things are, the problems we are going to face and the options we have open.
About the stalking, we are not friends with each other on social media, but after talking to her, I came to know that she had been doing the same.
Its not that she does not want to be with me. Just that being with me would mean hurting her parents, in laws, current husband and even other family members and she cannot do it for the sake of making herself feel happy. She would rather we both spend an eternity being unhappy than pay the price of our happiness by making others unhappy.
It is very hard for me to accept this stance but accept it I shall.
Chen: You are correct. I don't think brainwash is the right term but I get what you are saying. I think what is more difficult is to accept the fact that now she can make a choice after realising what we both want. But she still wont. Its like doing the same things again and expecting a different result.
Pranila: This is very interesting to me. I want to get an understanding on why you would not want to be together. I know different people will have different reasons but I fear it is because she has feelings for her husband too. And it tears up my insides to imagine that the love of my life "also" has some feeling for someone else. Thank you for your support though.
I have been truly, madly, deeply in love three times in my life.
Twice it ended, for different reasons.
One was codependency on drugs - specifically cocaine - and a common predilection for breaking the law and writing bad checks to get more.
Not a formula for a fairytale romance. It ended when he became psychotically abusive while coked out of his gourd and swung a metal mop handle at my head repeatedly. I figured I should get the hell out of Dodge while my brains were still in my skull.
The other time it ended because we were totally sexually incompatible.
He was semi-closetedly bisexual and a total masochist who wanted me to humiliate, hurt, sodomize, and exploit him. I tried many times and it just wasn't for me-I always wound up a sobbing heap, apologizing for letting him down. We parted on excellent terms.
Then I met the über-hub.
I wasn't looking for a love match when we met. I was happily seeing three different guys, enjoying outings with each, but being very clear that I wasn't in the market for a commitment.
After our first date I called all three of those guys and told them I had met someone special and I wouldn't be seeing them again.
We've been together ever since - over ten years now - and I still haven't found anyone better.
So...if you've been in love, lost it, and are worried you'll never find anyone better, I would say-no person is better than another.
Some may be a better match for you, when it comes to lifestyle and proclivities and how you both express your affection for each other.
There is no one soul mate for any given person. You can be happy, to some degree, with many different romantic partners throughout your life.
Until you're dead, the road lies open before you. Make of it what you will.
Yep, my husband.
I found him at 11 and knew within the first day of meeting him that I would marry him. Over the next six years he proved to be my best friend.then sadly, his family moved away and forbade contact with me because they were afraid of us getting too close because they believed that dating was sinful.
Three years later they had decided we weren't a fit and told each of us that the other was dead.
I grieved a lot, but seven years later I got married to someone else, never really getting my first love out of my mind. But I felt like I had to move forward with my life.
Six months after I got married I found out that he was actually alive. So we started rebuilding our friendship.
Three years later my then husband was diagnosed with a terminal illness. And he basically told us we could start a relationship because he wanted to know if it would work out.
So I was long distance with my best friend and married to my now late husband for 3 years. Towards the end my late husband wrote my current husband a letter asking him to marry me.
So to answer this question: My current husband is the one I wanted all along. My late husband wasn't better. In fact that relationship had a lot of turmoil because he was also mentally ill. But I guess I was meant to be with him in the interim while waiting for my true soulmate to come back in my life.
But I would have never even met my late husband if it hadn't been for all the shit my new in laws put us through (they are at least happy for us now.)
Don't get me wrong. I've made some pretty bad choices in my life. I've dated girls who were possessive and girls who were nice. I dated one girl for three years who, toward the end, became downright abusive. Really f*cked with my head.
I've been married (to a very nice girl) and ruined the relationship through my own misconceptions. That ended in divorce and a year of therapy for me.
But a couple of years later, I lucked out. I met a girl who changed my life. She captured my imagination and was an independent, thoughtful, opinionated, professional in her own right.
I fell for her before she fell for me. But just ten months after we met, we were married.
That was 27 years ago. I still cuddle her at night. We are each other's companion and best friend and sounding board. Sure, we've fought. But honesty and communication won out every time. We are still very much in love.
Did we find someone better? Who knows? I'm not looking. I don't think she is either.
So yes, it's possible.
I assume here we're talking about romantic love.
Yes, I've been in love with my wife since shortly after we met in 2001. I'm not looking for anyone better, because that would be impossible. Unless they're also the mother of my children, they will never be better.
My wife has many amazing qualities for which I love her, but that's the trump card... she's the mother of my children. Unless another woman can claim that (they can't), then no other woman will ever be better.
...until I found someone better!
When a person is in love they probably won't believe there is someone better. Losing this person hurts beyond words can explain.
One day a tender and caring felling will grow within you. It might start small but the sun will shine again. One day love will strike your heart. It will fulfill your life. It will bring you hope. If you are mourning the loss of a dear relationships you had, it might look like you will never be happy again. But love is powerful. Love will grow wild and free again, beautifully, like love does.