Have you ever desired to suffer?
When I was in the hospital after my brother attempted suicide. I had so much guilt over the fight we just had that all I wanted to do was anything to repent or make it right. Be it give every last pint of blood I had, anything to make things right. I felt so much guilt that even when people told me it wasn't my fault I refused to aknowledge it, I still refuse. That refusal is the admittance to my guilt. I want to constantly carry this mark of pain and guilt and suffering so that I never inflict so much pain on anyone again. It keeps me grounded, and reminds me how life is short and it can end at any time, by nature or ones own hand. This kind of suffering has become a part of me, one that I hold dear and know has made me a better person in the end. Never again do I wish to cause anyone pain.