How and why did your first love relationship end?'Letting the wrong girl go!'
I'm 18 and look wise I'm a handsome guy. I'm not bluffing but for my alibi I'll tell you that in 11th standard, I was a new admission in this one school and I became an outrage there with every girl falling for me and guys coming to me and saying, 'Bhai hamare liye kuch chor de, sab tu hi le jayega kya?' Translation - What are we gonna do if every girl is gonna fall for you?
Puberty hit me late but it hit me hard.
XYZ City, India.
I fell for one girl. I was in class 9 and I was new in the city and in the school. She was beautiful and adorable. She was not like the mainstream girls these days who are all about pictures and selfies and showing flesh and pouting in every picture and having that attitude in them, no. She was different. She had this spark in her eyes, that spark which brought everything around her to life. She craved love but not like girls who are desperately waiting for their boyfriend or Prince Charming. She loved everyone around her, every living soul. May it be an animal. She loved animals. She has nursed back uncountable number of dogs or pups around her house, fed them and took care of them. Even birds, whenever a bird made its nest in her garden, she would provide for everything from food or water or shelter, basically anything that can be required. She was like the doctor who would analyse your health twice a day in the hospital and always with a smile like nothing's wrong. She wanted to be a doctor too. She hated pouting. No. She wasn't tomboyish. She was very much feminine. Apart from how beautiful she was, she had a stunning figure. Not skinny, not fat. Just the figure you'd kill for. She was an academic genius too, with every possible Laurel she could bring, she aced her academics. 4 years from this time, she would have a diploma in classical singing and dance. She's such a great dancer. She showed me her steps, once, in the future and I must tell you, she was able to do difficult and tricky Bharatnatyam steps with a severely injured leg which I won't be able to do on my best days!
I fell in love with her. In the beginning, I thought it's infatuation but i ruled that out when my feelings grew stronger over time. Maybe a crush? Nah! How long a crush can last? I was mad for her. I used to admire her from a distance, in school, so she wouldn't notice. I've seen her, observed her, learned her and loved her. She had no clue I existed or there was a guy who was mad for her. Frankly, for a year, I told no one about her. None of my friends knew.
XYZ City, India.
She comes to know about me through some mutual friends. I planned that out because I was too shy to walk up to her and talk to her and nothing naturally was happening for me. We became friends. Good friends. Then close friends. What I didn't know was she already knew how I felt about herr, but she decided to not let me in on this and nobody else told too.
Leaving XYZ City.
She comes clean to tell me that she knew how I felt from December. By now, I had learned a lot about her as a person, how passionate and beautiful she was and we're really close friends.
ABC City, India.
We're in touch all through this while and she finally reciprocates those feelings for me. Best day of my lifee? Yes! I say to her those 3 beautiful word. For the first time in my life maybe, I meant them!
June 2014 - November 2015
Everything just went amazing for me. With her, I had the best time of my life. I learned things about her that no one knew. We both were each other's first. First crush, first tingly feelings. The first girl who I held in my arms and felt complete, like having all that you wished for. We were doing long distance and I'd go meet her occasionally in her city. She would come to competitions or for weddings in my city and we'd meet. We were like the best couple ever. Not the typical ones we picture where the girl is bossing around and the guy is always apologizin, no! Ours was a different bond. Our friends worshipped us. Best relationship ever! We even had this thing between us. People are generally on cloud 9 when they feel great or something. Ours was a different thing where we would on cloud 81, cause both of us would be on 9 so... I know it's silly but happened only with her. No matter how childish she was with 'Lady & The Tramp' as one of her all time favorite movies, she was one of the most mature woman I've met till date but, long distance is a bitch guys...
We were having fights regularly now but we'd always sleep over it and wake up next mornin just fine but this one night, I lost it. I just wanted to end it. I was so rude to her. Misbehaving. Like screaming and I went nuts for all I knew is that those fights and being with her was killing me and I needed an escape. I dragged her out of it. She was crying. I was furious. I loved her but I had enough and I guess I don't know what those four letters mean! It ended.
I remember her last words to me. They haunt me even today. I've woken up to them at 4 in the morning like a scary nightmare ...
'...you want your favorite story, the one you happily tell everyone to end like this, fine, it will...'
'... If this is what falling in love feels like then I swear, I would never fall in love again...'
I didn't just kill a relationship. I realized this quite late that I killed a part of her.
8 Months Later
I thought I'd be over her by now but as they say,'feelings ka koi on off button nahi hota hai.'Translation - You can't just turn your feelings on or off for anybody just like that. No matter how clichéd this sentence may seem to you guys, no matter how beastly I broke her and broke her heart that night, no matter how pathetic I think of myself for what I did, I, in the best of my mind and spirit say this, 'I MISS HER!'
And I'm not saying this like every other person says this to their friends thrice a day. I'm saying this because I mean it to the letter. I miss her voice. I miss how she'd say chuckling, 'Yaar, tum kya kar rahe ho?' whenever I'd be on to something profoundly stupid. I miss telling her about my day in every little detail. I miss that one person with whom my secrets were safer than Fort Knox. I miss my best friend who'd read between the lines and no exactly what I'm feeling no matter What lie I've covered it up with. I miss that one person who'd be jumping with happiness on my birthday. I miss that one person who'd scream and say, 'YOU FOOL', whenever I did something which pissed her off. I miss that one person who'd never judge me no matter what I'd say or about who but instead join me in bitching. I miss that one person I could blindly confide in. I miss that one person who'd hug me tight and I, being a guy, would break into tears and would know that every thing will be alright. I miss her every time I go to the movies alone because she always called me nuts for going to movies alone. I just, miss her.
You see, I've come to terms with this, I'm a horrible guy who has made some terrible mistakes. You can call it a petty first relationship I'm crying about which may not even be love. Honestly, I don't know what love is. I can't explain it, I can't tell but I know this that I've felt closest to this thing called love with her, for sure. Barney's line suit me actually.
This woman has a hold on my heart that I cannot break even if I wanted to and there have been times when I wanted to. It has beenn overwhelming, humbling and even painful at times but I could not stop loving her anymore than I could stop breathing. I'm hopelessly, irretrievably in love with her. More than she knows.