How to deal with my demanding elderly mother who insists on staying in her home but can no longer take care of things

My brother and I told our mom that we would help her to stay in her own home until it started causing problems in our lives.

This may sound selfish on our part to some people. We both lived several hours from our mom. She would not consider moving closer to us when dad died. She was quite adamant about not giving up anything in her life to compensate for her health and money issues.

We enabled her to stay independent by assisting with bill paying, providing maintenance on the house, lawn care, an d we alternated going to see her 2 times a week each.

She was actually only alone 3 out of 7 days. When we went to see her it would take the entire day away from our duties at home and our families. We both had 2 hour drives each way and we would be wrecked by the time we got home.

We did all of the house cleaning, lawn work(until I hired a company to do it,) upkeep on the house, took her out for lunch and ran her to do any shopping she needed to do.

I was diagnosed with hep C and had to inject low dose chemo 3 times a week for a year. I also was caring for my mother in law and volunteered at a local nursing home.

Along with cleaning mom's home and mowing her yard, I also took care of my 5 bedroom home and mowed our acreage. The mowing at home took 7 hours every week. We also farm and my husband works full time.

The injections made me feel like holy hell and caused me to be overly emotional and depressed. I had never been depressed before and I was in my forties, going through menopause at the same time.

Something had to give. No matter which house I was at, I felt guilty for not being at the other one. My mom and my husband did little to relieve that pressure.

My brother had to have brain surgery for tic douloureux which he had been suffering from for months.

This was when we told mom that our lives were so disrupted by many factors that we had to make changes.

She moved to the nursing home where I volunteered and it was a mile from my home. I won't repeat the details but if you are interested, please go to my Quora profile and read about this and many other experiences to do with nursing homes and elderly.

Her living in the nursing home was the best thing that had happened for our relationship in years.

I was in and out of the facility multiple times a day. I was involved in every aspect of her care. I made certain she was being taken care of properly and not neglected.

She and I were able to spend our time together doing pleasurable things instead of rushing around and working.

Mom died after being in the home just short of a year. I don't regret the decision to have mom move into a nursing home. Neither did she. We were closer than we had ever been and I miss her every minute of every day.

RIP Mama


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