How do marriages start deteriorating?
These are just a few reasons that come to mind. This is by no means an exhaustive list:
- Some people see marriage in terms of what they can get out of it and are only interested in a marriage so long as it is fun and enjoyable to them. Once they're bored or it starts becoming hard, they will leave. If you go into a relationship or marriage like that, it is doomed to failure. In more extreme situations, one person could be using the marriage to exploit the other such as someone getting married just so that they can get their green card and immediately divorce that person.
- Some people don't believe that their marriage will need maintenance. While they're in the honeymoon stage, they're convinced that they're perfect for each other and, since they believe they're perfect for each other, they deceive themselves into believing that their relationship will need little work. When the honeymoon stage finally wears off, they are taken by surprise by the difference and each may believe that the other is "not the same person they married", but that's only because they're finally being themselves.
- Sometimes life hits people really hard and there is little time for the maintenance that would be required to keep the marriage from deteriorating. As work and responsibilities start accumulating, the two start communicating less and less, they see each other less and less, and eventually they start to feel almost like strangers. With no time to rekindle their love for each other, this can mean that the marriage is ready to end.
- Some people don't understand how to properly communicate with the other person. When conflict comes up, they often blame each other, they say things or ask questions that put each other in positions that they can't escape from or can't answer and grow from (e.g. asking loaded questions, telling them that they'll never change and they'll always be "like this", etc.). They often resort to emotional responses rather than thinking through the problem carefully and trying to work towards a resolution. This isn't at all easy, but it's definitely a necessity and many people really struggle with it.
- Some people get into their marriage before fully getting to know the other person. If they both believe that they're really in love and are experiencing all of the euphoria that comes along with meeting someone, they might think that they're highly compatible without spending time checking to ensure that they really are compatible. Issues that are important to each other are often ignored to maintain the feelings of euphoria and, once it starts to dissipate after the honeymoon stage ends in the marriage, they finally realize that all of those issues they've been ignoring are finally important and are causing a lot of disagreement and conflict. This is especially important if both partners have different goals and directions that they want to go in life.
- Some people are determined to avoid any and all conflict. When their partner does something that upsets them, they'll just pretend it didn't happen or just let it slide because they don't want to argue or fight over it. This happens over and over until, eventually, the person will snap and vent all of their accumulated frustrations at once. People that avoid any and all conflict like this need to learn that conflict will happen, but it will be far, far worse if you bottle everything up and try to hold it in until it finally all breaks loose at once.
- Some people simply have loyalty issues and can't commit to a single partner for too long. They have strong urges to flirt with other people and these urges they feel they're unable to ignore or turn off. So long as therapy is not sought, they eventually either have an affair or leave the marriage.
- Another unfortunate problem is that there is a lot of incentive for women to divorce their husbands in Western countries. Marrying a man and then divorcing him and taking a large portion of his possessions is a very lucrative business and many, many women get away with it. It's one of the "legal" forms of theft in the West. Men also have very little incentive to stay in marriages and have far more reasons to keep the marriage together - mainly because a divorce means they lose a lot of their possessions, they have to pay child support if there are kids, etc. This is likely one major contributing factor to why nearly 80% of all divorces are initiated by women. Women are also encouraged - generally by other women - to do so, as well. Many women have talked about their experiences with divorce and how their female friends have told them to take everything from their partner in the divorce. There is very little reason in the West for men to pay alimony, or even women for that matter. At one point in time, alimony was necessary, but there is no point to it now and there are many women using it as a tool to extract resources from men.
- Some people change in marriage in a way that the other is not comfortable with or receptive to. People change and no one stays the same. However, some people change in ways, sometimes quite drastically, to the point where the other person begins questioning who it is that they're married to. They may feel that this "new person" is someone they would never have married if they had met them when they were still single, but somehow the person they loved and married turned into this "new person." Their goals and direction that they want in life can completely change and, as a result, both partners don't feel like they're moving in the same direction anymore and don't feel like they're working towards the same goal like they used to be.
- A major reason is that people don't listen to each other and assume they know what's going on. People have the natural tendency to "fill in the blanks" and, because of that, we often anticipate what the other person is going to say or we anticipate what the other person is going to do based on what we think or believe we know. For instance, one partner might get angry at the other because they think they know what the person meant by what they said when, in reality, they completely misunderstood. They assumed they knew what they were going to say and what they meant, but the didn't stop and listen to what they said. They didn't give them the benefit of the doubt. Additionally, it could also be that one partner heard the other say something and they think the other partner is cheating when, in reality, they're completely misunderstanding. However, the partner is so convinced of what they think they heard, that they don't trust their partner. This only leads to more and more distrust and each partner begins assuming the other's intentions and what the other means by what they do and say. Such a marriage cannot last.