Should your husband stand up against his mother when she's being rude to her daughter-in-law?
Yes he should. My Mother in Law was often rude to me. An eccentric Woman who always tried to portray her Family or more precisely the Family she married in to as being more' let's say "well heeled" than others when in fact they weren't. She used every opportunity to imply her Son was being led astray by myself and my Family who loved my husband dearly. She wasn't a very maternal Mother but my Husband was her blue eyed boy, the first Son born after 3 daughters. When we announced our engagement she said we were mad and she wouldn't attend the wedding, she did attend because she wouldn't have the neighbours talking about her. On our wedding day she said she'd give us 6 months. Throughout the years she constantly found subtle and sometimes blatent ways of putting me down, I never retaliated as I was raised to respect my elders and didnt want to make the situation worse. My husband was oblivious to it all, we had many arguments about it, but he would always say I was mistaken or just ignore her. No matter how i felt I would always make sure we visited both our Families at least once a week even though we led busy working lives 30 miles away and my husband always pleaded he was too tired to go visiting. My Family visited my home but his Family with the exception of 2 of his Sisters never visited us in any of the previous houses we lived in. Before his Father (a wonderful Man) passed away he'd offered us a site of land with a right of way through their Family garden should we wish to build on it. A year after he'd passed we decided to build, his Father was gone and the other 3 remaining Parents lived close by to each other and were getting older so we thought it was a good idea to live closer to where we'd been raised. All 5 of my sisters in laws had married and had young Children, and my brother in law had emigrated years before with no intention of returning. Before we started the expense of planning applications, land transfers and architectural drawings, even though his Father had gifted my Husband the land I asked my Mother in Law if she had any reservations about us building on the Family land, she said no it was her husband's wish that her Son build there. After spending many thousands and many months preparing to build arranging mortgage and hiring contractors she phoned me the day before the build was due to start to tell me that she was still happy we were building but if anything happened to her son she would want me to agree to sell the house to someone with the Family name. At that time I'd been married and shared the same name as my husband for sixteen years and we had a fifteen year old Son. I was so angry. I told her that if anything was to happen to My Husband that My Son and I would be the only members of the Family left with the Family name, and reminded her that the name was only hers by marriage the same as it was mine. She made every day of the 9 month build hell by telling every tradesman or delivery driver that they had no right to be on her land. I was managing the build as my husband could only get to site 2 days a week, on those 2 days she said nothing. The final straw came when on a day of high stress when trades were trying to charge extras for work included in agreed prices and were inside arguing with each other about which trade was responsible for what work I'd been called outside by main contractor to discuss a tree close to the house which he'd been trying to get me to agree to him removing for months, again I told him the tree's fine leave it, again he said the tree should be removed. At that moment I heard my Mother in Law behind me saying you'll be cutting no trees on my land. I calmly turned and said this is non of your business and for the record this is now my land. She said nothing and walked away, my husband went to see her that evening and she was devastated at the way I'd treated her, and told him she'd done nothing wrong. I told him i was done with her but she was his Mother and our Sons Grandmother and he was not to take sides. She never came back near the site but told my husband she didnt like the gravel road that had been put in leading to the property it was on her land but was a legal right of way to our new hous. She wanted him to put kerb stones in along the side of it, which we hadnt budgeted for in the build, we cancelled the main floor bathroom installation and some joinery to purchase hundreds of kerb stones and hire a contractor to lay them to satisfy her wish. My husband spent 2 days carrying kerb stones from where they had been offloaded, placing them along the side of the road they were going to be laid at to cut down on labour costs. Just before he finished the night before the contractor was due to install them she sat in her garden with him telling him how proud she was of him and how nice the road is going to look. At 7am the next morning an hour before contractor was due on site she phoned to say she'd changed her mind and didnt want the kerbs, my Husband said Mum they're bought now and the contractor will be here in an hour, she replied it's my land and if I don't want them you can't put them in. Now my husband is one of the easiest going Men you could ever meet, he sat and had coffee with me after hanging up the phone, I could see he was upset and told him not to worry about it. Suddenly he got up and left the house, 5 minutes later he returned but it was many days before he told me what had happened. He'd walked up to his Family home and told his Mother he was ashamed of himself, when she asked why he said, I married an amazing, strong loving, intelligent Woman nearly 17 years ago and I've allowed you to treat that Woman, the Mother of my Son like crap for for all those years, I've listened to you putting her down watched you hurt her by belittling her Family, I said nothing but tried to talk her out of visiting every week because I couldn't stand the way you treated her but she made me visit all those years saying no matter what you said to her you were still my Mother. He went on to tell her she was a vindictive nasty Woman and even her Grandchildren hate visiting her because shes not able to show an ounce of love. My Husband never spoke to his Mother for over 2 years, every now and again I'd tell him to go see her but he wouldn't. When we did eventually start talking again it was me who made the first move, she never said a bad word to me after that, we even became quite close at times and she spent many a happy evening or Family occasion with us. 18 years on She's in her late 80s now and has Althziemers, in the early stages she'd walk along the unkerbed gravel road to our house and knock the door and say, i never knew there was a house down here, the following week she'd return and say the same thing, I don't visit much as I cared for both my own parents for a long time before they passed in recent years, my Husband and his Family care for her, and she often asks if he ever married, when he mentions me she'll say I thought she was married to someone else. My own daughter in Law I adore, she sometimes does things I don't necessarily agree with but i would never interfere, she loves and makes my Son and Grandchildren happy and thats all i could ever wish for as a Mother. I don't blame my Husband for his Mothers behaviour earlier in our Marriage but If he had stood up to her from the start I believe we would have had a much closer Mother and Daughter in Law relationship for all those years.