What is the grossest thing you found in your bed?
Hmmm...I'm tempted to answer this with, "That one Rod Stewart impersonator", but instead I'm going to go with my second choice.
There I was-recovering from a recent illness, throat still a little sore and just thinking about how I wished I still had some candy left to suck on, from the bag of Lemon Heads I'd recently finished off. I even swept my hands under and around my pillow-remembering how I'd dropped the bag and sent little yellow balls of sweet and sour goodness spilling throughout my bed.
So it wasn't altogether too surprising-really, rather more like instant wish fulfillment-when, after abandoning my candy seeking quest, I stretched out luxuriously and my uncurling toes made contact with one single perfectly round bb sized little ball under the covers at the foot of my bed.
What else could this this tiny round gift be-delivered into my bedding straight from God-this heavenly bounty, rolling between my toes, why, it must be none other than the fervently desired candy, so recently spilled-a Lemon Head!
I have lived a good portion of my life in the mountains. I have some land about an hour and a half south of SLC, Utah, on top of a mountain in Indianola, Utah. There's a cabin there. I usually spend my winters there as the air quality in SLC is HORRIBLE during the winters (fucking inversion).
One morning I woke up to my cat, Lady, jumping up on the bed and laying down next to me, wanting pets (or so I had assumed). I started petting her but after a few seconds I noticed that my hand was warm and wet. She had brought a live, injured cottontail rabbit up onto my bed and presented it to me, while I was still sleeping. I had been petting this terrified, injured cottontail for a few seconds before I realized there was something wrong. I looked at my hand and saw that it was covered in blood. I looked down (in the pre-dawn light) and realized, much to my distress, that what i'd been petting hadn't been my Lady, but a freaking rabbit.
It was fucking cold. I know cold. Most people don't. Down at my cabin, it routinely gets to -30F during the last weeks of dec - the first weeks of february. I've seen it at -57F. I'm not exaggerating. I've only seen it even close to that there once, but fucking trees explode at that temp (I didn't know that until that morning when I heard what sounded like a rifle shot at 3 in the morning, waking me up from a dead sleep). Walking outside the next morning (heavily insulated I might add) I saw splinters and shit everywhere. Only after did I look it up and figured out what had happened.
Well, one of these nights (not that night) I went to bed. When I opened that door I saw a freaking bobcat just lounging on my bed. I opened the door, watched him/her (I didn't get a good look, I closed the door really fast) yawn at me at which point I slammed the door shut. I went upstairs, grabbed my shotgun and went back down to battle. He/she was gone when I got back down there, and that wasn't gross, but it did scare the shit out of me.
Well the grossest thing...
Many, many years ago, I had a very sweet blue heeler named "Blue" (I know, very original) who had a favorite tennis ball. He had carefully soaked it with dog spit, let it dry, re-soaked it, let it dry, etc. There was dirt, little twigs, and other less identifiable particulate embedded in a thick layer of dried dog spit soaked into the plush outer covering, but when he picked this wondrous object up to play with it, it would undergo an amazing transformation.
The fresh infusion of dog spit would re-activate the dried layer of material, and the ball would gain a nearly quarter-inch thick coating of horrid goop!
Well... One Sunday morning, I slept in a bit, I guess it was about 10:00 or 10:30, and Blue decided it was about time I got up and played with him. He came up and began waving his prized slime-ball at me, and I made the mistake of rolling away from his attentions. The sheet slid up as I rolled, exposing my bare posterior.
Moments later, I was awakened by a unique and displeasing sensation. Blue had taken his ball and shoved it as far into my exposed butt-crack as he could, and it kind of stuck there.
And his aim was perfect! Yes, that's right, he'd stuffed that cold, gooshy ball right up against my exhaust port. I shrieked and levitated, while he ran around in glee, delighted that his efforts to wake me had succeeded!
And that, my friends, was my introduction to the horrors of EWS! (That's Extreme Wedgie Syndrome, refer to Krissi Webber's answer to What is the strangest thing about you?)
I have experienced other instances of the dread syndrome, but that was the most egregious, and undoubtedly the grossest thing I ever found in bed (in my butt crack!).
In San Luis Obispo, CA, I lived in an apartment that had a TERRIBLE pest problem. One evening, I was exhausted, depressed, and in addition, I was preparing to move, so I was doing a lot of packing. This particular evening, I was especially tired, so really, I just wanted to go to bed. As I approached my bed, I was still several steps away, but I could see a strange black circle right in the middle of my bed. I couldn't figure out what it could possible be, because I didn't make it a habit to eat in bed.
As I got closer, I noticed that the circle was moving. Then, I noticed the lines of black ANTS converging to the middle of the circle. Needless to say. I got NO sleep that night, and had to do copious amounts of laundry.
I should have guessed that it was ants, because they constantly made lines across the walls and floors of the other rooms on a daily basis. Ugh.
One night many years ago my rat terrier "Patches" jumped into bed with me and burrowed under the covers. At some point during the night Patches got really sick and threw up in my bed, but of course I never noticed since I was asleep. I roll over and feel this vile, wet, cold, sticky substance all over my legs. I throw back the covers and turn the lamp on and my bed is full of grayish, milky looking dog vomit. It was all over my sheets, the bed, my legs, everywhere. Of course upon seeing and smelling this unexpected surprise I start to throw up as well, it was that bad. It was a horrible night and I never let Patches sleep with me again. I'm not sure if I even let the dog back in my room.
A squished cockroach that was there on the mattress for I don't know how long.
While shifting our house two years back, me and my dad moved the mattress and found a cockroach the size of a child's thumb squished.
We had pest control services occasionally. Hence, there was no possibility of existence of any bugs.
It was quite dry. The contents of it's guts was distinctly visible.
I'm not scared of cockroaches. But they look really strange.
If it would have been just a teeny-tiny dead cockroach, I would have shrugged it off and continued my work.
But, this particular cockroach was not only big, but also had its internal organs exposed. Exposed up to where I felt like the gag reflex was kicking in.
I had to get over the feeling and carry on my work.
I could provide you with a picture of a dissected cockroach, but it's better if it is this way.
When I was a young Boy Scout and on a camping trip, I found a small snake making it's way across my wooden legged cot after dark. It was a harmless non venomous snake and it was not even afraid of me. But the old time wooden cots had enough gripping surface that a snake could climb up them. The new aluminum legged cots are too slick for this I bet.
Two lizards making out on my bed.
I was preparing for my board exams and around 2 am went to my room to catch some sleep. I switched on the lights and saw two lizards doing it on my bed. I actually heard some sounds of the act too. I turned off the lights and left my room. Was creeped out to sleep anyway.
I threw away that bed cover the next day.