What was the most painful day in your life?

  • Well this will be a long one. Not the worst day but two worst days.
  • The day my grandfather collapsed while out walking. This man was a gentle giant. My abusive father had abandoned us in 2nd grade. My pap took over his role. He was the absolute best thing God has ever given me. He was rushed to the hospital we found out he had a very aggressive brain tumor. (Glioblastoma). After surgery radiation and chemo therapy, they decided that there was nothing else they could do and sent him home with six weeks to live. We got a hospital bed for him down stairs in the living room. We also had a bed next to it. I slept in that bed many nights next to the man who meant everything in the world to me. He fought and fought until he had stretched out those 6 weeks into 16 months. But in the end it became to much. I remember the day he passed he had been out if it didn't recognize us, the home nurse called us in. I was about 16. I remember them telling all of the kids go down the basement. But there wasn't a chance I was going anywhere. They understood, knew what he meant to me. They took off his oxygen mask because it looked like he was trying to talk. He looked up suddenly with a moment of clarity. Recognized us all. Looked at me and said "I love you ben." And then passed. That was the day the color drained out of my world. That was the last happy time I remember.
  • Fast forward 18 years, I'm with my wife and 2 children. My wife went to the doctors for a lump on her breast. Doctor says it's just a cyst don't worry. That wasn't good enough so we convinced her to send her for a ct scan( they refused to do a mammogram because she was only 28 with no family history) I arrive home from work she tells me there's a message from the doctors ( she knew the number from the caller ID) I said what does it say. She replies I don't know I was scared to listen to it. So we sit down together. Hearing the message I break down crying. Doctor tells us that just as she said films show it was a cyst. We sit there crying and holding eachother for a very long time. The lump bothers her from time to time but we get back to regular life. About 10 months later she develops a severe cough. We go to the ER they do films. We're just waiting to be discharged. They come back and tell us there's bad news. There is something in her lungs and they have scheduled an appointment with an oncologist for Monday. They won't give us any more info. So we sit fir two days on pins and needles. We arrive for her oncology appt. they send her in for scans an ultrasound. Sitting in the waiting room the doctor comes out looking somber invites us into his office. Once there what he tells us brings me to my knees. She was diagnosed with stage 4 incurable breast cancer that has spread to her lymph nodes. And both lungs. So many questions run through my mind. How , what will we tell our two boys. Why is this happening again. They give her a 12 percent chance at a 1 year survival rate. She digs in for the fight. She stayed strong through it all, the partial mastectomy, the oophorectomy( removal of both ovaries because the cancer was fed by estrogen) the chemo, radiation, steroid therapy. The total loss off hair. Not just the hair every single fingernail fell off. We talk to lawyers to see how this could happen. While going through the doctors records he finds out that the doctor after the fact changed her records to make it look like it was my wife's fault. He also deposed the doctor who did the films. When the cancer clearly showed on the films they had taken. His response " i didn't look at the films I went by the technicians thoughts". Fast forward after 8 years of pain and suffering. I had her living at home on hospice care. I was taking care of her, she couldn't even get up and go to the bathroom on her own even tho it was literally steps away. The pain pump they gave her was making her mind a little fuzzy but it took the pain away. I remember making her dinner and her thinking I must have poisoned it. So I senitched plates with her. She started getting delusional. The cancer had spread to her liver, mist of her bones, spine, shoulder, ribs. One morning she was in the bathroom the hospice nurse stopped by. My wife called me in because she had a nosebleed that wouldn't stop. Nurse got her out and onto her hospital bed. She was complaining she was short of breath. The nurse while trying to get her to calm down asked me to get her an anti anxiety pill. She was gasping for air the nurse looked at me and said this is it. Does she have a do not resuscitate order. I told her no. I called my two boys down from upstairs. 12 and 15. I said go to your mother tell her you love her. They did then I sent them back upstairs crying. By that time her heart had stopped the nurse started cpr I called an ambulance. By the time they got there. And got a pulse it had been 15 minutes. They rushed her to the hospital I followed shortly after. The doctor told me she had suffered a brain injury from lack of oxygen. After the second day in the hospital we decided to take her off of the ventilator because she had stated ""I don't want to be kept alive by machines"if I can't respond or breath on my own"we were going to take her home but they were afraid she wouldn't make the ambulance ride. So we would wait until the next day. I sent my boys home with my aunt. I asked them to come tell their mom goodnight they were afraid but I explained the tubes were out. They came in and said goodbye gave her a kiss through their small tears. I saw on the monitor her heart rate jumped. She knew they were there. At about 1150 pm on June 9th the nurses asked me to leave the room while they checked her. About five minutes later the nurse came into the waiting room and told me when they turned her over she took a turn for the worse. When I went in the room I noticed her pulse which had been around 160 that day was just slowly dropping lije a timer. I sat and held her hand and explained that if she was gonna fight this was the biggest fight she would ever have. But if she wanted to let go. We would all understand. I sat there and as huge 9th turned into June 10th I held her hand as she slowly slipped away.

These two days were definitely the worst days in my life.

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