Whats the hardest part of letting go of someone?
Knowing that you can't be there for that person anymore. Knowing that...one day, they might be in danger, pain, or sorrow, and there's nothing you can do about it. Not nothing you can do–nothing that they will accept from you, because everything you do will just make them feel worse. The hardest part of letting go is that nothing will ever bloom from your relationship afterwards, even if you agree to let them in again. They're just gone.
Knowing that even if you stay friends, you can't bear to be with them, and you're going to act like your awkward, stuttering self that's aimed at being cold to your former lover. It isn't the mutual hatred that keeps you apart–there isn't any hatred. It's the fact that you fall in love with them a little more as each day passes, but there's zero hope, because you made a mistake in life and they will continue to reject your love over, over and over again in your nightmares. But they won't stop stealing your heart in your daydreams.
It's the longing for someone that you know they don't reciprocate feelings with you anymore, but still hoping anyways–what if they didn't mean to let me go? What if I've still got a chance? It's the doubt that keeps us hanging on the edge forever, until we realize that we can't hold it in, and we fall into a new relationship with someone else. But always, for the first month or two, your ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend will always seem superior. You keep comparing them in your head, then you side with your ex because you're fucking biased and you can't do anything about it.
And after a while, you've realized that you aren't over your ex, and that you're stringing your current girlfriend or boyfriend on. You break up with them, and suddenly you have one more detached relationship worry in your life. There's tensions between you to as you wall past the halls, or see each other in the streets. It's unavoidable, the guilt. And of course, your second ex is either pitying you in your hellhole right now, or furious at you for never loving them the way you loved your first ex.
And then you simmer into the feelings of loving the first lover again. It's like infatuation. You don't want to seem silly or stalker-like, but those are the exact things you are when you start watching their every move on Facebook and Instagram and you even create and account on Twitter that you didn't have before just so then you can see more of their face, even if it's through the array of colours that form a photo through a computer screen. Then you realize, that's what your former lover was. That was what he/she was. Colour. A rainbow of colour, that made your day brighter, and when the rainbow fell apart and the imaginary colours burst and vanished, then in left you in a gloomy, cloudy weather. A rainbow doesn't come by often, and you just missed your chance. Your rainbow left you.
Suddenly, you start pointing fingers at yourself. What did I do wrong? What could I have done wrong? You ask everyone you trust–family, close friends, even friends of your beloved–but everyone tells you the same thing: Move on. Because that love doesn't love you back. And it's being deprived of the feeling of want, the feeling that you're not wanted from your former lover that keeps you grounded. You always wish they gave their feelings to you. You wish they gave their heart back, but alas, no. They didn't see the worth of you.
And in the end, you're stuck in the loop, and it's so hard to get out.
The thing is, one day, as your love gets old, their memory may fail them, and they might forget all about you. But even as you grow old, your short-lived relationship with your love is the only thing you remember as clear as the blue sky.
As clear as it was, before it was breached by the rainbow.
I love you for all you've done to me. For all you're hated me. For all you abandoned me, I love you regardless.