Why do we fall out of love?

Ok, so here is my story. Today I'm a 30 year old woman. At first glance I look like a successful person. I love a good laugh and surround myself with interesting people. I have a relatively good job providing with a good pay and lots of possibilities. The exterior looks great. What I feel inside is a different story. When it comes to feelings, I feel dead inside. Let me begin with how it started.

6 years ago I met my first love. I was already 24 and surely I had guys I spend my time with before, but this was different from the beginning. He was a few years older than me and so different than all those guys I had met before. He wasn't such an outgoing person, but very responsible and I could always count on him. He wasn't a macho style "I can have it all" type of a guy, but very kind and gentle. He has never told me a lie. Not even once in all those years. He could be brutally honest, but that's what I loved about him. I liked his values and standards. I appreciated his responsibility and kindness. Besides, he was a fantastic lover... Naturally, I fell in love with him. What I had with him was something I've never had before. He was not just my most beloved one and my lover, but also my soulmate and my best friend. I felt secure and complete with him. We've survived 2 years of distance when I did my studies abroad. Naturally, we had some conflicts like any other couple on this planet, but they didn't really matter as we truly loved each other and treated each other with respect. During those months when we didn't see each other, we missed each other like crazy. We talked hours on skype every evening. 4 years ago I finished my studies and we got engaged. I was happy and so was he. I couldn't even imagine any other person to become my husband. I moved to his place and we had one year to plan our wedding.

From this point things started changing. In short, I developed anxiety and depression. I was going through difficult family times and struggling to find my "dream" job after my studies. Those things made everything worse. I still loved him, of course. However, I smiled less and less and cried more often. I became overly sensitive. I had a feeling that nobody understood me and that he also didn't understand me often anymore. My self-confidence dropped dramatically as I was always a perfectionist all my life and here I was not able to find a dream job and had to go through difficult family times... I didn't know how to deal with these issues. I wasn't cheerful anymore and I wasn't so outgoing. I stopped caring so much about myself and didn't get a manicure every week. I stopped wearing makeup. I stopped doing my sports and started eating a lot. I gained weight. I was upset way more often than I was happy. I started provoking arguments with him out of nowhere. I became a miserable person who always criticized every move or decision he made. I think, depression was slowly taking the happiness away... He saw that I was slowly changing into something he didn't know anymore. He knew me as a cheerful, outgoing careers oriented perfectionist who is always surrounded with people. He knew me as a woman who tried to look beautiful and self-confident and took a good care herself. He knew me as a person who was able to help others and back then I was rather angry on others so I started refusing. He was used to see me laughing way more often than crying. He didn't know what to do, although he tried and so did I. But he got scared of my depression. I don't blame him as he fell in love with a different person... I asked him to help me to overcome my issues and maybe go to couples therapy together, but at some point he refused. I had a feeling that he gave up. I felt like I was in a movie and I didn't understand what was going on. I could feel he was fading. I saw sadness and sorrow in his eyes instead of passion full of love I was used to see. I didn't see his affection anymore and all the unexpected kisses were also gone. The only thing which was still there was sex, but less and less passion in it... 7 months after engagement we almost broke up, but I insisted not to. I still loved him and wanted to save this relationship. I wanted to work on it. It was difficult because I was still fighting my depression. I tried to be a better version of myself, but every time there was a relapse following a temporary success. We were still in a relationship, but never talked about wedding anymore. We were engaged, but not engaged... Instead of marrying him that summer 3 years ago, I took a chance to do a traineeship. Again, the traineeship was abroad but I took a chance as it was careers I've always wanted. He didn't look unhappy. He seemed indifferent, but I still believed our relationship had a future. We agreed that we were not done. It was nothing but wrong.

My mood slowly became better. I started smiling again and cry less. I started a therapy to treat my depression all by myself. Technically speaking, he supported me, but never went to the therapy together. He considered it as my problem which I had to solve by myself. We still talked a lot as good friends and even argued a lot, but his passion to me was almost gone. I had a feeling that he's not attracted to me as a woman anymore. He visited me at a very beginning of the traineeship, but we acted more like very good friends. I felt his kindness and ultimate care. I had a feeling that he still loved me but more like a sister than a woman of his life. I believe that deep inside we were angry on each other... On the second month of my traineeship I met another man and got a lot of attention from him. I was starving for attention and appreciation. I never asked for it, but having so much of it made me feel feminine again. It made me feel better about myself. I loved the excitement and that man fell in love with me. It started very quickly. We started our relationship after the first date and I left my previous boyfriend. Actually, I provoked him to leave me by saying that my traineeship was going to take longer and I wasn't sure about our marriage anymore. He told me that our life goals are different. We agreed to stay friends, but give some time to heal our broken hearts. Honestly, my new relationship helped me to forget there was a broken heart that requires any healing. I felt well for a while. I texted my ex from time to time not just because of guilt. I honestly wanted to stay friends with him. Emotionally I still felt very connected to him. However, I didn't tell anything to him about my new relationship at first. You know that time flies. My new date adored me and I could feel it. I feel loved unconditionally. The problem was that I was never sure I was in love with him myself... I wasn't questioning, though. It was convenient and it didn't matter. 2 years ago I started living with my current partner. Me and my ex still talked as friends on skype. I told him about a new person in my life. First I could feel he was upset, but later he became indifferent about that. I knew he was also searching for his second half. I lived a normal life with my current second half.

Until... I started getting flashbacks about my relationship with my ex. It started about 1.5 years ago and now I'm experiencing it really intensively. First I thought it will go away, but it actually has become worse. I started dreaming about my previous relationship almost every night when I fall asleep. I rarely see the face of my ex, but I experience that feeling of security, ultimate kindness and absolute honesty even when it hurts in my dreams. I cry when I wake up, because deep inside I'm missing it. I feel safe and so connected to him. I started to understand that I don't have it in my current relationship. I know I'm loved, but I'm not sure if I'm in love with him myself. I could trust my ex, but in my current relationship I'm afraid to show the real self. I just don't feel that connected with my current partner as I was with my ex. I'm still attending therapy and slowly understanding that I started this relationship for the wrong reasons. New relationships don't heal your pain. They can temporarily help to forget what happened. You can temporarily feel excited about that new person in your life, but healing a broken heart takes time. I didn't heal mine at first and jumped into a new relationship immediately and here my time has come.

I was secretly hoping there's a small chance that life circumstances will bring me back to my ex or vice versa. We had been staying as best friends for 3 years after the breakup. I think this way I was subconsciously keeping him closer to me and had some hopes about him even though I was in another relationship. He asked me several times if this was the case but I denied. I felt guilty both for him and my current partner. I knew my ex was looking for another girlfriend. I used to give him advice every time he dated someone. I laughed with him about dating and he cried on my shoulder when it was nor working out. Honestly, deep inside I was happy those dates didn't work out. He helped me to solve some of the small troubles I've had at worked. But few months ago his date worked out and now he's in a relationship too. He was tearing me apart on skype when happily announced his news, but I was able to congratulate him. We don't talk anymore though, because his gf doesn't want us to stay in touch. I lost both my hopes and my friendship with him at the same time. Yet I'm also afraid to tell my current one the truth about how I feel. I feel so conflicted about it. I know he loves me and I don't want to hurt him. He doesn't deserve it, but he deserves to know the truth as well. I'd be more than happy if some time soon I could just fall out of love with my ex and feel as much connected with my current as I can. I'd happily fall in love with him truly and sincerely. I'd happily make love with him and think only about him instead of my ex. I'd give him all my attention and care. I'd be more than happy not to cry before I fall asleep and not to dream my ex, but be here and now with my current partner and give my love to him. If only I can...

My questions are as follows:

- can I?

- will it ever be possible?

- shall I talk about my feelings with my current partner? I feel very guilty and I don't know where to even start...

and maybe the most important:

- will I ever be able to fall out of love with my ex?

Personally this story is very sad and intimate to me. I've never talked about it with anyone else except my therapist. People are quick to judge. If you're reading this text and going through something similar, please don't jump into a new commitment immediately. Learn from other people lessons. It will hurt you and it might hurt a person who is falling for you. Let your heart heal first and get well. I didn't do it on time, therefore I'm wondering if that's not too late...


[Forgive my English in case I made some mistakes. It's not my native language.]

Real, pure love can never be fallen out of.

Love is an extremely strong, extremely stable, deep-rooted emotion. Love can also be extremely confusing. Humans of all ages mistake a lot of things for love; infatuation, lust, desire, admiration, gratitude, appreciation, and even respect.

When we are young we are very liberal with the word love. In social media the number of pictures that have the caption ‘love you' or ‘my one and only love' is astounding. Yet it often takes only a few weeks or months for most of these ‘forever' couples to find that their forever was cut short.

As an adult people more often mistake love for lust and desire, which is not as strong and changes with time. Sometimes you fall in love with the idea of the person, the perception you have of that person, the potential you see in him or her. It's at times like these that we come face to face with our powerlessness to change someone else. The reason the saying "Change comes from within." is seen as cliche is because it is so true, and because it is so common. We come to the painful realization that we cannot change someone, and that we can't sit around and wait for that person to change him or herself. Not only do we not have the patience, but we realize that it is selfish of us to do so.

Love does not necessarily have to be a once in a lifetime thing. Many people love more than one person fully and unreservedly throughout their lives, and they are beautiful because of it. They find that the people they leave behind still own a big chunk of their hearts. Love doesn't mean you stay with that person forever. Love means a part of you will always be devoted to that person, no matter how long ago you loved.

Lust, admiration, and desire come and go. Ask any couple and you will find that there was some point in time where they did not lust after their husband or wife, girlfriend or boyfriend, yet they stuck together because love doesn't change as appearances change. Love doesn't have mood swings. Love can not be fallen out of when it is real. Love does not ensure you will forever be together, but it does ensure that you will always carry that person with you, no matter how much you love someone else afterwards.

No one falls out of love.

Love is like flying with the free fall, you can't stop. You can't undo.

But yes, what people generalize as falling out of love, is different for different people.

For some it is the ability to stop caring. For some, it is learning to be without a person they loved every second. For some it is accepting that they cannot be a part of their lives. For some it is moving on with all the memories.

Someone once said to me, and I quote. 'The antithesis of love is not hate. It is indifference. Hate is just love gone bad.'

People and their feelings go through change and that is life. If it were all forever, it would be dead. And we are speaking of life!

I was once in a garden when I saw a baby pigeon trying to fly. The nest was on a tall tree, and in its endeavor to fly, the baby pigeon fell on the ground, fluttered for a while, and died. Not even a minute later, a dog comes by and feeds on its cadaver.

I thought then, a minute ago, it was the apple of someone's eye and now it is someone's morsel.

And the mother pigeon, flew from branch to branch... And did not come to the ground even once.

Did that mean the mother pigeon fell out of love?


It knew, what's gone shall never return and accepted that.

And that is what we humans call 'falling out of love'!

1. Write down why it didn't work and the ways you weren't happy and keep that list with you. Read it when you inevitably start thinking of all the reasons why you miss them, and why they were so perfect for you. We all romanticize the love we once had, but if and when we get it back, we realize that it's just the same as it was. When it comes to the past, nothing changes but how we view it. Be conscious of that.
2. Learn to differentiate between love, lust and attachment. Now, I'll argue that love actually is a deep form of attachment, but in many ways, these three can be different, unique experiences that don't add up to enough cause for spending the rest of your life with someone. It's okay to be in lust. It's okay to be attached. You don't have to be forever though.
3. Realize that relationships aren't supposed to make you feel good as much as they are supposed to teach you something, and to help you grow. Allow someone to be part of your story and not the tragic, final scene. Take from it what you need to learn. If it showed you all the unloving parts of yourself, work on those, that's what it was supposed to do. We have a tendency to exacerbate relationships by the way in which we categorize them as good bad or ugly, and yet, for some reason, no matter which way we go, we always want to hold on for just a little bit longer.
4. Cut off all contact. You can't pick and choose right now, and it's great if you can get into a friendship one day, but until your feelings have faded, you need to take some distance. This is absolutely essential. Stop checking their social media, don't ask friends about how they're doing. You don't have to be a jerk about it, and you can politely let them know that it's best for you to take some time away from them (although it usually doesn't go that smoothly) it's important that it's said and followed through with regardless.
5. Let yourself be sad. Resisting it makes it worse than it is. Give yourself time to mourn and grieve the loss of someone who was a big part of your life. Then let them go, and love yourself enough to let yourself go too. As in, let yourself walk away from them in the metaphorical sense. Nobody else will give you permission.
6. Don't get frustrated when your thoughts inevitably keep drifting back to that person. Just let them recess and pass. This is really how you should deal with all of your negative thoughts, but doing so becomes increasingly difficult when the subject matter is something you want to cling onto like an addict. You have to embrace the fact that letting those thoughts wash over you and fade is the best thing you can do for yourself and for your post-relationship relationship.
7. Don't expect to get over them if you're sitting in your bed all day thinking about them. Get out and do what you love, go visit friends you've lost touch with. Fall in love with other things and people and yourself. There are more loves in your life other than just romantic, and when you learn to enchant yourself with them, you find yourself needing a significant other less and less.
8. Embrace that you may never get over them, but let them be a part of your story anyway. Not every love has to result in a vow to spend forever together, and it doesn't mean that what you had wasn't real or worthwhile or beautiful. Part of the story can be that you simply always loved them, even long after you were over, and you know what? If you ask me, no matter how it turns out in the long-run, that is the most beautiful thing you can experience: loving someone despite everything. The only catch is, you have to be able to do it in an accepting way, or you'll bury yourself in your heartache for the rest of your life.
9. Start to detach yourself. Something we all have to come to terms with is the fact that we attach ourselves to other people in light of what we think they can provide for us– whether it's subconscious or not, we go into near panic mode when they leave us because we don't know how we'll get by. But we will, because we always do.
10. Learn to take your feelings and channel them into fuel to propel you toward something greater. If anything, motivate yourself to succeed in spite of them. It's not the most positive way of going about things (and I do believe you should really do things for yourself) but for now, while you're struggling, it's not the worst way to cope. Let them do what they came into your life to do: make you better, however doing so played out.

When you fall out of love, you are a forest after a wildfire.

A lime green vine, sprinkled with delicate dew-drops glinting in the sunlight.

Flexing and curling its way up the blackened trunk of a flame-scorched tree.

A raw, gleaming token in a field of charred devastation.

We fall out of love because we change. We grow.

We develop new needs, boundaries and desires.

We form new goals and ambitions.

We expand and revise our perspectives.

And this often leads to incompatibility with our partner.

Because the person we fell in love with, may no longer be.

So we can work on resolving these incompatibilities.

Or we must move apart and onwards, to maintain peace and fulfilment in our lives.

Humans are not meant to be stagnant creatures.

Our relationships are not supposed to confine us.

Some people find ways to continue growing together. They adapt and yield love in every changing season of their partner.

But most of us will face the blaze. The anguish and wreckage of losing your love.

Losing what was, and what was supposed to be.

But when you are wrapped up in the pain of falling out of love, remember this - it is ending because you are growing.

You're not really falling. Or weakening. Or collapsing.

Look at that fresh faced vine arching from a blistered, withered ground.

She's moving towards the sky.

Hello there, dear reader!

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