Why does my husband have to be so private with his phone?

Because even though you are married, you are independent, autonomous people.

Some people use that independence nafariously (to have affairs, etc..), other people use that independence to develop their own friends and interests that are separate from their spouse.

Either way, many people enjoy and require a bit of personal space for themselves to thrive as a good spouse to anyone else.

An example? My spouse has never checked my phone...not once. We keep both joint and separate bank accounts (so we share household expenses but also can buy each other gifts, etc..without the other knowing, and control our own "fun money," etc..). My spouse has never asked where and how I spend my own money. I buy what I want when I want to.

We have a fantastic marriage because trust and responsibility is assumed. There's a general assumption that whatever you are doing - you are always acting in the best interest of your marriage.

I recognize that many people will break that bond of trust, and if you find yourself feeling insecure or simply suspicious...there might be a reason...or there might not be...but the best place to start is to talk to your husband before attempting to violate his privacy.

Have you offered up your phone? If you want to browse his emails, have you brought up all of yours for him. All of them. From time immortal.

Human beings are collectors of junk. But it's our junk. Do you trust your husband as much as he trusts you? Obviously not. I have had my phone searched. It is embarrassing. Humiliation beyond your imagination. Ask the teens here at quora what it is like. Then ask them how they would feel in marriage as an adult to be subject to same humiliation.

Who is that? The engineering secretary. I am calling to be sure...

Who is this? Human resources. I am calling to be sure.

Who is this?

Ad absurdem.

Sure. Do this to your husband if you want. The ends justifies the means. You might catch him doing something wrong. If you don't, you've learned nothing. You still have doubts, you still worry. You still are concerned, and now you've made him want to be more secretive. These are negative reactions to your own actions similar to immune responses.

Perhaps, instead, you should spare him the humiliation I have suffered and talk to him about your insecurities instead.

Based on the other questions you have asked, I will say he is keeping his affair partner a secret.

My wife tells women that obsession can be a big problem after an affair is discovered. I tell men to give up smart phones when they have significant sexual betrayal issues.

I would also guess you are struggling with setting a healthy boundary with him. Tell him he cannot "have the best of both worlds". This means he can't cheat and stay with you. I know you love him, but he is continuing to open the same wound and you won't be able to heal.

Please reach out to me or my wife for some additional resources.

Thanks for the A2A

Consider this: is he being secretive, or is he just trying to keep his privacy?

You're married Ashley, and I get that. So am I. That fact, however, does not mean that I forfeit my right to be an individual, and all rights associated with that.

I suppose I could insist on seeing my wife's phone and open up mine to her, but that doesn't appeal to me. If I get my individual rights so does she. Fact is, neither of us has an interest in each other's phone info.

I suppose if either of us were involved in an affair, evidence to that effect would be on the phone. In order to use that as a viable reason to see each other's phone, however, would mean tossing the trust component of our marriage out the window, for good.

That attitude is not what got us this far.

Thanks for the A2A.

I wonder if it's that he's secretive, or if you're really curious.

I think that in a marriage, trust and communication are absolutely everything.

Having your own phone and not wishing to have a spouse rummage through it for their curiosity is not unusual. I would be horrified if anyone wanted to go through my phone. It's not deep secrets, it's simply that I give that respect to others and simply expect it myself.

You have to respect him, and his privacy. It's not about you at all. It's about it being his.

Marriage doesn't mean that we can all cheerfully tear into our spouse's email, pockets, cell, laptop, computer history. It's theirs.

If your marriage is happy, you can understand this. Curiosity is not a reason for invasive acts ever.

Is he truly secretive or does he simply not share it.

I have nothing on my phone that would be of interest to anybody, however because I receive company email I've had to add extra security per company policy. I'm not secretive about it, but the phone is secured at all times and the contents are off-limits without the security code.

So the question is, did his behavior about his phone started only recently? If that's the case, he could be communicating with somebody he wishes to hide.

You might consider asking him. Something along the lines of "I notice you've suddenly started sleeping with your phone under your pillow at night. Is there something I should know?"

Hopefully there's no fire where there's smoke.

Thank you to AH for the A2A.

He is either

1. Cheating on you


2. Is a secret agent


3. Is a member of a mafia /drug gang


4. Working on a very important government or private project that requires utmost secrecy


5. He could be a sociopath, psychopath or serial killer, or is planning some other criminal activity.

Other than these, I can't think why your husband should be extremely private with his phone.

Well, I'd prefer my wife stay out of mine. I don't have nude pictures of other women on it. I do have a lot of texts on it. Mostly between her and me or my daughter and me or one of several nieces and me. I have about 30*picture on it, pretty much exclusively pictures of MR coils for my job. Boring. Lots of email, again boring. My latest emails were from HR Block verifying my taxes. Boring. Bottom boring boring. But it doesn't matter. My phone is my space. No one else needs to be in it.

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